I'm Allowed to Rest Before I've Earned It

After my divorce the list got longer. I was tired in a way a good night's sleep didn't touch, and I still felt I had to earn a chair, a cup of tea, an hour with a book.

One afternoon in Tuscany I was standing at the sink with wet hands, telling myself I should go back out to the garden. I noticed how strange that was. I was tired. Nobody had said I couldn't sit down. I had decided, years ago, that rest was a prize.

So I tried something small. I sat down for 10 minutes before the list was finished. The next day I did it again. The dishes waited, and the garden waited, and I went back to them a little more patient.

When the guilt shows up now, it sounds like "you should be doing something." I answer it out loud: "I'm tired. I can sit for a bit."

Writing helps me too. I keep a line a night in my Self-Compassion Planner. The guilt is loud in my head and quieter on paper.

If you've been waiting until everything is done to sit down, try it once before the list is finished. See what the afternoon does.

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